Technical Incompetence & Insecurities

Hello everyone,

First of all, I’d like to apologise that I didn’t post anything yesterday. As you might have noticed, for a couple of past months, I’ve  developed a habit of posting consistently every Monday. Now it makes me somewhat disappointed that I didn’t stick to my schedule.

I filmed a video about my makeup routine for my YouTube channel. Then, I wrote a corresponding post for this blog. And then, everything went to shit. I spent three hours importing the video from my new camera to my PC, and from my PC to my iPhone, because I edit my videos in iMovie. Unfortunately, I don’t have a Mac so I have to do it on my phone. And yes, I’m aware of the decent free movie editors that are compatible with Windows, but I didn’t really have time to look into it and I’m not sure my laptop could handle it anymore because it’s quite ancient at this point. When I finally got the footage to my phone, I noticed that I accidentally filmed the entire thing in the size 4:3 instead of the desired 16:4.

Despite my technical incompetence, This wasn’t the main reason why I decided not to upload it. In fact, I wasn’t going to write this post either. But since it’s the World Mental Health Day I want to post this and, you know, get more personal with you, to be more human and not just a random girl in front of a computer screen.

You see, I’ve been dealing with insecurities all my life. It started with being too skinny and my undereye circles when I was about ten. I still have the bags under my eyes because I just can’t sleep like a normal individual. I either can’t sleep at all or wake up a billion times during the night. Then, when I was about seventeen, I felt too plump, even though I wasn’t. My childish body just underwent a transition to a woman’s body. And well, I haven’t really reconciled with the fact that I have hips. I’m not implying that I have had an eating disorder because I’ve never been diagnosed with one, even though I don’t have a healthy relationship with food. But I’m dealing with some health issues that tend to be the result of undernourishment. My food diaries are my attempt to, you know, gain the normal relationship with food, and not see it as an enemy.

Long story short, when I saw my face in the video, I was horrified. My face looked completely different. I mean, in the past year I finally started to learn to accept my body, including my face. And to be honest, I pretty much like my face. Well, except the eyebags. But when I saw myself on the screen, my face looked shockingly asymmetrical. I never noticed that one of my eyes is larger than the other and that one of my cheeks is somewhat slimmer than the other. When I smile, my upper lip just disappears. And the eyebags were even worse than in real life. I’m awfully critical to myself and I guess I just let it consume myself because it made me pretty anxious for the rest of the day.

I don’t really know what’s the point of this blog post. I just want to put it out there. I will try and film the video again, this time from a better angle and perhaps attempt to accept that this is what my face looks like. After all, we all have insecurities.

Well, I guess that’s it for today’s post and I’m looking forward to seeing you next week.

xoxo, S. V.

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